Today, surprisingly I am feeling great. I have a positive outlook and I want to see how long it lasts. I am trying something different. Usually, I take my anxiety medication at bedtime, but I have started taking it in the morning this week. I felt good yesterday and today I feel great. It is late day at work, so I got to snuggle with Ramsey in bed this morning for an hour. It was amazing. My little girl is getting so big! This morning she rolled over three times. I am so proud of her. Tomorrow we have her 4 month check up. I always look forward to these appointments. I use them as an anti-anxiety tool. The anxiety builds up until the appointment, and when I finally get into the ped room I know she will calm my nerves and make feel better. I feel so much better when Ramsey is fully looked over and I know she is healthy. I hope tomorrow we have a wonderful appointment and all is well with my little biscuit.
Since, SIDS is something that is very troublesome to be that is what todays post is going to be directed at.
Monday night Craig and I were watching the news and we heard about another co-sleeping death. To me co-sleeping with a resposible adult is okay. I sleep with Ramsey at times. Usually in the mornings on the weekends I will bring her into bed with me and we will sleep in and snuggle. Well, for some reason this specific infant and mothers name stuck with me. When I got into work Tuesday morning I looked up the name in our data base and sure enough it was one of my patients. It was a patient I had just seen the previous week. I was heart broken. This poor mother lost a child to co-sleeping. Now, if I could go into details of the family, the death would most likely make a little more sense, but since I can not do that I will leave it at this. I am heart broken for this innocent life that was lost. I am heart broken for a mother who thought she was doing right. And, I am heart broken for the three other children who lost a baby sister. Please say a prayer for baby Malone. Here is the article if you would like to read it. http://www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/95281234.html
For some reason, I am always terrified of something happening to Ramsey in her sleep. We have an angel care monitor on her bassinett and crib. It is a small piece of plastic that goes under the mattress pad. If she were to stop breathing for longer than 10 seconds an alarm will go off. This thing is amazing. A few times in the middle of the night I forgot to turn it off when I took her out of the bassinett for a feeding. Within ten seconds the alarm was blarring. This technology makes me feel so much better at night time. I think the whole fear of her stopping breathing in her sleep comes from the scare we had in the hopsital. Her birth was the best and worst day of my life.
Ramsey was just about 12 hours old. Craig was going to run to Qdoba to get something for dinner since the hospital food was terrible. My parents and Craigs parents had just left. I was changing her diaper in her bassinett in our room. I had just bent down, (which mind you took about 10 minutes with all the stitches I had, okay probably 10 seconds.... but you get my exaggeration) to grab a clean diaper. When I came back up and looked at my beautiful baby she was blue and gasping for air. Her body went limp. I pushed the call button immediately, and grabbed her. I went running out into the hall way screaming at the top of my lungs, "my babies not breathing!" The nurses from the nurses station (all of them, 5 to be exact) came running down the hall as fast as they could and grabbed Ramsey. They ran her into the nursery and were able to get her to breathe again. I was sobbing and crying for my husband. I was able to call him to come back immediately from the NICU. Craig came running back to our floor and was finally with me. Ramsey was finally breathing a little better. They had suctioned out her nose and lungs. She had tubes down her throat to clear our all the mucus. Apparently, what had happened was I had "to fast of a delivery" When a baby is in the birth canal they have time to have all the mucus and water squeezed out of their lungs. Ramsey was not in the birth canal long enough for this to happen. She came out to fast and still had a lot of mucus and water in her lungs. She ended up choking on it which caused her to not breathe. It was the scariest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. I think that is where a lot of my anxiety with her has come from.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
(Matthew 6:34) "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."
Hello, and welcome! My name is Chassidy and I am starting this blog for myself and others. But, more for myself. I am a self professed God loving and fearing person. I live each day with a smile on my face and love in my heart. I am a daughter, sister, wife and most importantly a mother. I hope to help my self with anxiety and OCD through this blog. I promise to over share, and overcome my fears. This is a promise.
Here is a picture of my beautiful daughter, Ramsey Monroe. Ramsey was born January 31st of this year. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. I love being a mommy. It brings love and joy to my life each and every day. Some say she looks like her daddy, and other swear she is a spitting image of me. She is constantly changing, so who can really tell. She has the personality of both of us.
I had fear on a daily basis before Ramsey was born. Now, that she is here, it seems to be getting worse. Not a day goes by that I do not have a fear over something. My husband says that I look for things to be afraid of. This may be true, but it is something I can not help. The fear of life is always over my shoulder. To most people, I come off as a happy go lucky person. Inside, I am dark. My mind seems to be going a millions miles a minute. I can’t concentrate, I am always thinking of the worst. You may be asking yourself, why has this girl not seeked help. Rest assured, I have. Did it help? Negative. I have seen a counselor on more than 1 occasion, and it made my feelings worse. They wanted to keep me medicated, and coming back to talk. The talks always made my feelings worse. I remember the third time I went and spoke with the counselor, I cried my eyes out all the way home. Once, I was home I didn’t remember driving at all. It was horrible. I had overwhelming anxiety. I never went back.
As a child I remember living in fear over stupid things. I remember always fearing no one would pick me at gym to be on there team. Or, that I would miss the bus home from school. My parents always laughed at me when I came home from school because my backpack was so full. Little did they know that I never used my school locker. I was afraid of it. I was afraid that if I used to locker, I would forget a book, or an assignment. I was afraid that if I put my winter coat in my locker and had to get it after school, I would miss the bus. So, I stuffed my entire life into that backpack. All my school books and folders, along with gym clothes and winter jackets stuffed into one small jansport bag. This continued through out high school.
When it came time to go to college, I denied my acceptance to the college of my dreams due to fear. I was afraid of the large campus. I was than accepted to the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee, and yet again I denied it. I couldn’t bring myself to go. I ended up starting out at a small technical college that I could overcome my fears and walk through. Was this where my dreams would be accomplished? No, but I could attend college without fear. I went there for two years. It came time to pick my internship to get my AAA in social work, I declined because I didn’t want to go alone. I then decided that I could go to a larger college and get my BA. I reapplied to the Univerity of Wisconsin, and was accepted. I signed up for all of my classes, and was ready to start the following January term. The day came to start school, and I never went. I was afraid of parking. Yes, you read that right. I was terrified of parking and walking to the large campus. So, what did I decide to do. I went back to another technical college to get my degree in dietetics. This time, I finished my degree. It took me 6 years to get a 2 year degree out of fear. My family thought I was crazy for taking so long. Little did they know the things that were going through my mind.
I do not remember my life without fear. It seems sad to some people, but to be completely honest, I don’t know any different. Every day seems to be a different fear. For years I was afraid of my parents getting in a fatal car accident on there way to the cottage in Michigan. This was one of the reasons I went to counseling to begin with. I would cry every weekend when it came time for them to head there. They would have to call me every hour until they made it. Once they were there they had to let me know they made it safely. This continued for years. I seemed to have somehow put this fear behind me. Some other day, I will get into all my “other fears.”
Hello, and welcome! My name is Chassidy and I am starting this blog for myself and others. But, more for myself. I am a self professed God loving and fearing person. I live each day with a smile on my face and love in my heart. I am a daughter, sister, wife and most importantly a mother. I hope to help my self with anxiety and OCD through this blog. I promise to over share, and overcome my fears. This is a promise.
Here is a picture of my beautiful daughter, Ramsey Monroe. Ramsey was born January 31st of this year. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. I love being a mommy. It brings love and joy to my life each and every day. Some say she looks like her daddy, and other swear she is a spitting image of me. She is constantly changing, so who can really tell. She has the personality of both of us.
I had fear on a daily basis before Ramsey was born. Now, that she is here, it seems to be getting worse. Not a day goes by that I do not have a fear over something. My husband says that I look for things to be afraid of. This may be true, but it is something I can not help. The fear of life is always over my shoulder. To most people, I come off as a happy go lucky person. Inside, I am dark. My mind seems to be going a millions miles a minute. I can’t concentrate, I am always thinking of the worst. You may be asking yourself, why has this girl not seeked help. Rest assured, I have. Did it help? Negative. I have seen a counselor on more than 1 occasion, and it made my feelings worse. They wanted to keep me medicated, and coming back to talk. The talks always made my feelings worse. I remember the third time I went and spoke with the counselor, I cried my eyes out all the way home. Once, I was home I didn’t remember driving at all. It was horrible. I had overwhelming anxiety. I never went back.
As a child I remember living in fear over stupid things. I remember always fearing no one would pick me at gym to be on there team. Or, that I would miss the bus home from school. My parents always laughed at me when I came home from school because my backpack was so full. Little did they know that I never used my school locker. I was afraid of it. I was afraid that if I used to locker, I would forget a book, or an assignment. I was afraid that if I put my winter coat in my locker and had to get it after school, I would miss the bus. So, I stuffed my entire life into that backpack. All my school books and folders, along with gym clothes and winter jackets stuffed into one small jansport bag. This continued through out high school.
When it came time to go to college, I denied my acceptance to the college of my dreams due to fear. I was afraid of the large campus. I was than accepted to the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee, and yet again I denied it. I couldn’t bring myself to go. I ended up starting out at a small technical college that I could overcome my fears and walk through. Was this where my dreams would be accomplished? No, but I could attend college without fear. I went there for two years. It came time to pick my internship to get my AAA in social work, I declined because I didn’t want to go alone. I then decided that I could go to a larger college and get my BA. I reapplied to the Univerity of Wisconsin, and was accepted. I signed up for all of my classes, and was ready to start the following January term. The day came to start school, and I never went. I was afraid of parking. Yes, you read that right. I was terrified of parking and walking to the large campus. So, what did I decide to do. I went back to another technical college to get my degree in dietetics. This time, I finished my degree. It took me 6 years to get a 2 year degree out of fear. My family thought I was crazy for taking so long. Little did they know the things that were going through my mind.
I do not remember my life without fear. It seems sad to some people, but to be completely honest, I don’t know any different. Every day seems to be a different fear. For years I was afraid of my parents getting in a fatal car accident on there way to the cottage in Michigan. This was one of the reasons I went to counseling to begin with. I would cry every weekend when it came time for them to head there. They would have to call me every hour until they made it. Once they were there they had to let me know they made it safely. This continued for years. I seemed to have somehow put this fear behind me. Some other day, I will get into all my “other fears.”
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